[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
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If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
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My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY