[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
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science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?