Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
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Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I’m crying im so happy for them
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Spell check is for lasers.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount