The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
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A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.