Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
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HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
My first child will be named New Folder.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.