Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Buddy of mine dropped some acid… Burnt a hole in the floor… He was tripping for days!
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How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?
Wife: I told you not to go near that raccoon.
Me: *bleeding excessively* Tim and I just signed a blood pact of friendship.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Caught my food taking a picture of me. When I confronted it, it said it was for its people blog? What a creep.
My wife said I’m picky. I said obviously not picky enough.
Anyone need a roommate tonight?
If I were a cop and pulled a woman over for speeding I would keep crying until she let me give her a ticket.
“Um, thanks?” -A woman who posed for a Picasso painting
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once