Buddy of mine dropped some acid… Burnt a hole in the floor… He was tripping for days!

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Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me


Wife: I told you not to go near that raccoon.

Me: *bleeding excessively* Tim and I just signed a blood pact of friendship.


Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.


Caught my food taking a picture of me. When I confronted it, it said it was for its people blog? What a creep.


My wife said I’m picky. I said obviously not picky enough.

Anyone need a roommate tonight?


If I were a cop and pulled a woman over for speeding I would keep crying until she let me give her a ticket.


[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?