Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
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“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I had to Stop for this
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.