I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
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The Black Death was the best disease. Any attempts to replicate it are just plague-iarism.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
TI: no I’m TI
I don’t think peeing on a goose is the right answer..
But on the other hand..
I’m not sure it’s the WRONG answer.
-Drunk me at a zoo
Sorry I reported your newborn’s pic on FB but nudity is nudity
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
If you have a gluten allergy I feel bad for you son.
I got 99 pizzas and you can’t eat one.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
[watching lion king]
TIMON: hakuna matata
ME: *whispering to date* that means no worries
TIMON: it means no worries