[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
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Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
My what?
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything