[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

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I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*


The Black Death was the best disease. Any attempts to replicate it are just plague-iarism.


[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI


I don’t think peeing on a goose is the right answer..

But on the other hand..

I’m not sure it’s the WRONG answer.

-Drunk me at a zoo


Sorry I reported your newborn’s pic on FB but nudity is nudity


They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years


If you have a gluten allergy I feel bad for you son.

I got 99 pizzas and you can’t eat one.


Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.


[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy


[watching lion king]
TIMON: hakuna matata
ME: *whispering to date* that means no worries
TIMON: it means no worries
ME: see?