bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.