Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
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“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
The Friday File.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…