@pittdave13

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

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@MeganBaca1

Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.

@farouq_yahaya

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

@DrDumbDum

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

@Quartzjixler

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

@Book_Krazy

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

@1evilidiot

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

@conanobrienswyf

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.