@pittdave13: Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
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@Brianhopecomedy: 5 year old: "That's a big truck!" "It's a moving truck." "ALL TRUCKS MOVE." Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
@AnkCoupleTO:  Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people Henchman 1: New STD? S: No H2: Incurable virus? S: No H3: A cameraphone S: Nice
@jwoodham: "Hey guys, I just lost at the Golden Globes!" - Louis CK, brilliantly introducing himself tonight.
@too_chihuahua: Dad I'm gay *Dad rips newspaper* "WHAT" I like guys dad "Oh thank god. I thought you were happy for a second"