Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
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“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.