Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
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Welcome to the stomach
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.