@jonnysun

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

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@Skoogeth

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

@HomeProbably

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

@thatUPSdude

[1st date]

Would it be odd if someone brought their cat on a date?

Her: Very, what’s in the box?

Nothing, waiter cancel that can of tuna

@electrolemon

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

@FredTaming

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

@KyleMcDowell86

SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER

@QueefTornado

Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.

@zzoker

Mathematics is the only place you can buy 60 watermelons and no one questions you