I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
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INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
My husband purchased his 4th book about a wife whose husband murders her for having an affair. I wonder if I should warn my boyfriend.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE RAISING A CAT ARMY.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.