@jonnysun

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

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@olerunkbitch

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

@pittdave13

Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys

@Darlainky

I hadnโ€™t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

@StellaGMaddox

My husband purchased his 4th book about a wife whose husband murders her for having an affair. I wonder if I should warn my boyfriend.

@daemonic3

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

@birbigs

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

@UnFitz

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.