“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
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When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2