@QwertyJones3

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

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@iRowlf

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

@Sassafrantz

The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.

@neiltyson

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

@kipconlon

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

@seamussaid

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

@brittwastaken

I’m all about the sex, drugs and rock n’ roll until about nine because that’s cocoa time.

@SentenceReduced

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

@abbycohenwl

Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
– inventor of the baby catapult minutes before he was arrested