Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
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The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I’m all about the sex, drugs and rock n’ roll until about nine because that’s cocoa time.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
– inventor of the baby catapult minutes before he was arrested