BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
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I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Sponch
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.