BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
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40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Not helping
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Boom, boom, ching!
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?