[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
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Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.