[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
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My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps