*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
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My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Me in tagged photos
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.