*Builds panic room out of Swiss cheese*

*Fails to see holes in plan*

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BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?


My Boss called me immature today so I gave him a wedgie and made fun of his ugly family.


What’s it called when it’s 9:20am and you can’t wait for dinner?

Oh, it’s called fat. Nevermind.


Urban Dictionary is fake, and cannot be used in a court of law.

I know that now.


[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex


once someone was like “millennials don’t answer a door if they aren’t expecting anyone???” and i get why the 70s had so many serial killers


The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.


ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so


Twitter: Tell me I’m funny!
Instagram: Tell me I’m pretty!
Facebook: Tell me I have real friends!
Pinterest: Tell me how to knit a condom!


Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.