If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
*builds time machine*
*goes back in time 183 days*
*earth is on the other side of the sun*
*dies in space*
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Do you wanna hold hands?
– me, about to be bitten by a raccoon.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets