@SirEviscerate

*builds time machine*
*goes back in time 183 days*
*earth is on the other side of the sun*
*dies in space*

You Might Also Like

@fleshcake

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

@Sleinso

Do you wanna hold hands?

– me, about to be bitten by a raccoon.

@joeljeffrey

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

@AnOrangeSNES

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

@Skoog

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

@mjkspeaks

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

@mccoy_paul

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

@Kryzazy

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets