@SirEviscerate

*builds time machine*
*goes back in time 183 days*
*earth is on the other side of the sun*
*dies in space*

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@rinbcage

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

@TheTweetOfGod

Instagram is experiencing difficulties. Until further notice, please cease visually chronicling the tedious mundanities of your life.

@Miss_Firefly_

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

@Fazio_N

“What aisle has the milk?”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers* “What aisle has the milk?”

@Jerrypleasure

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: If you die early, I’ll marry my ex

@WhaJoTalkinBout

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

@CrockettForReal

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

@Sarcasticsapien

Why can’t we edit tweets? Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say “RT if you hate puppies and babies.”

@ronradu

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

@JoParkerBear

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES