ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
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Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife