Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
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911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
next level snooze
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice