@Amusitr0n

*bullies advance*
STOP! Im a black belt in Shaq Fu!
<laughter>

*detectives arrive*
Jesus, were these heads slam-dunked? Where r the bodies?

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@sammorril

People always say “congrats” when someone says they’re pregnant, but I think “oh no” should be used much more often.

@MoneypennyNaked

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

@NewDadNotes

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

@squirrel74wkgn

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

@fightgeek

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

@KissabiX

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

@squirrel74wkgn

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

@MatCro

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?