People always say “congrats” when someone says they’re pregnant, but I think “oh no” should be used much more often.
STOP! Im a black belt in Shaq Fu!
Jesus, were these heads slam-dunked? Where r the bodies?
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The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
bill nye is short for william new years eve
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: I go into the stall for that
Attention Walmart Shoppers.
Worst case scenario on aisle 5.
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?