*bullies advance*
STOP! Im a black belt in Shaq Fu!

*detectives arrive*
Jesus, were these heads slam-dunked? Where r the bodies?

You Might Also Like


People always say “congrats” when someone says they’re pregnant, but I think “oh no” should be used much more often.


The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.


Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.


[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.


found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today


The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle


[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that


[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?