Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
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When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like