Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
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2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
lol
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”