Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
You Might Also Like
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes