I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
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I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.