Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
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In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
😎 🍻
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*