BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
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wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
#Caturday
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.