[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
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I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….