Well, humanity. We had a good run.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
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Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Him: Tell me more about yourself
Me: Are you a cop?
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
16: Why do I have to go to college?
Me: It’s the next big step on your journey.
16: My journey where?
Me: Out of this house.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u