Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

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The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.


With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.


Excited to announce that I am running for city council! Oops, typo. I am running from city council!


My neighbors listen to awesome music whether they like it or not.


My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.


God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.


Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.


My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.


When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.


Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.