@badbanana

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

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@TheDeadfishSays

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

@smilely_gal

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

@LittleMissAngr1

Excited to announce that I am running for city council! Oops, typo. I am running from city council!

@mochanya

My neighbors listen to awesome music whether they like it or not.

@KateWhineHall

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

@NewDadNotes

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

@JimHeskett

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.

@KalvinMacleod

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

@Dutch_50

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.