@badbanana

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

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@onbrandbrandonn

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

@LeBearGirdle

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

@what_a_messs

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

@Adar79Angie

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

@better_off_dad2

16: Why do I have to go to college?

Me: It’s the next big step on your journey.

16: My journey where?

Me: Out of this house.

@16bitbulbasaur

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u