Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
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*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.