Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
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her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Banana is the quietest snack
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.