[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
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On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙