My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
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My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Name this drama.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Okay, I’m still confused…
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
The only equipped I am is ill.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Basketball games are very squeaky.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*