@laabruzzi

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

- @laabruzzi

You Might Also Like

@BoomBoomBetty

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

@Adar79Angie

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

@vladchoc

Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?

@robdelaney

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

@SteveSuckington

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

@mommajessiec

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

@MooseChuckleTag

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

@skickwriter

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

@Reverend_Scott

Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”

OMG

“APRIL FOOLS!”

Whew-

“You have 2 days.”