*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

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“I really regret not taking up bow hunting” I think as my neighbor fires up his chainsaw at first light.


I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.


if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank


To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.


*buying a new phone* How many mega pickles does the camera have?


[last meal on death row]



“Say when”

*winks to camera*


My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.


I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.


Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.


Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”