*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
You Might Also Like
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills