i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
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WHAT DO WE WANT?!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Bro:hey how are you?
Me: eh, feeling stabby
B:I’m afraid if I tell you that’s not a real word you’ll show me what it means.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.