@laabruzzi

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

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@bonesher

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

@Home_Halfway

WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF

@ActualHuman01

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

@squirrel74wkgn

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

@iliezabeth

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

@PaperWash

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

@SexyKitty975

Bro:hey how are you?
Me: eh, feeling stabby
B:
B:I’m afraid if I tell you that’s not a real word you’ll show me what it means.
Me: smart

@theshantilly

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.