*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
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I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today