@tastefactory

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

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@jessokfine

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

@Heather2Go

To support all you Movember guys, I’m not shaving my legs this month. To be honest, I probably won’t shave in Mecember or Manuary either.

@XplodingUnicorn

[middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig

Wife:

Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts

@markydoodoo

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

@morrisjr77

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

@Midgetspar

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

@QwertyJones3

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

@ChicorelliStar

I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.

@sofarrsogud

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

@KylePlantEmoji

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT