My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
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He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry