*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
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Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”