*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
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The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends