a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
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There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”