Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
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I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
My purse is deeper than some people.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
*looks at you in batman voice*
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.