*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
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[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks