Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
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*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.