[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
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i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.