There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
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“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!