Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
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TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.