@bingowings14

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

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@Ivsy01

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

@robfee

Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.

@NoogsCorner

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

@Staggfilms

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

@maurajbg

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

@davidkenny100

Have you never heard of the boy that cried wolf???
The girl that coughed bees?
The boy that sneezed sharks?
The girl that shit spiders?

@shanethevein

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

@saramvalentine

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

@Schmoodles

If I ever have a heart attack, I’m deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.