Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

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I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.


Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?


cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*


The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.


Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.


Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”


New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday


BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later


The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.


me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003