Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

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Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?


Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.


I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.


Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?


A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”


Have you never heard of the boy that cried wolf???
The girl that coughed bees?
The boy that sneezed sharks?
The girl that shit spiders?


When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.


Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document


If I ever have a heart attack, I’m deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.