burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
You Might Also Like
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.