Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
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I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
An odd boast
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.