burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
You Might Also Like
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
This dude got his own movie?
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
i want to work in this restaurant
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never