Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place