Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
If you love someone, let them tweet.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.